Building a House on a Rock

Tell someone they need to change and see how quickly you are faced with rejection, deflection and/or denial. Change is hard, and often comes in the form of a hard pill to swallow. Even more frequently, seeing these opportunities for change acts like a mirror held up to ourselves, speaking life into the very things we need to face in order to reach salvation (or a better version of ourselves if you will). 

Reading through the book of Matthew and the Sermon on the Mount had opened a lot of old wounds that I thought I had dealt with long ago. Guilt and shame over how I've treated people in the past, how poorly I made many decisions and how my constant survival mode kept me from truly advancing in all aspects of my life. You know that statement of 'no one's coming to save you?', I lived it. I was the only person I could rely on until I had nothing left to give myself, I gave up. I didn't want to do this anymore, I didn't want to keep showing up and enduring. I didn't want to open up to anyone and ask for help, so I just shut down. The shut down allowed me to survive, show up, perform, pay the bills, clock in and out, put a brave face on. I checked all the boxes of what I was supposed to do: eat healthy, train, have a job, have a relationship, have friends, live on your own and the list goes on. Joy was not something I experienced, it was dread. The lists piled up, the inside of my home was falling apart with chores undone, and my mind could only focus on tomorrow and what I needed to still accomplish. My relationships suffered irreparable wounds at my expense, but nothing compared to the suffering I was living inside. My head would not turn off the lists of tasks, reminding me of how much I haven't accomplished. 

Then, I learned about forgiveness. A word that seems so empty and applied like sunscreen on already burnt skin. It used to be superficial to me, like something you toss in to soothe someones feelings, "just forgive them" was as shitty of a catch phrase as "let them". Yes, I said it, "let them" is more detrimental to your boundaries and soul than you can even imagine, but I digress. I took a deep dive into the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5 though 7), the teachings of Jesus for how we should operate in our daily lives. Every time I read the word forgiveness I would rage inside, something didn't click for me, it was so, so simple I thought. How do you forgive someone who's wronged you so deeply and how do you forgive yourself when you could have done so much more? (I think about my attempts to save my mother here, the many relationships that ended). Then, that small, still voice guided me back to reread Matthew 6:14-15, about forgiveness of others in order for your sins (replace sin with mistakes if you like) to be forgiven. 

Forgiveness is serious business and quite frankly, you cannot live a full, satisfactory life holding grudges. This also applies to how you feel about yourself and how you treat yourself. I kept steady on the forgiveness train, and then it hit me, that forgiveness IS grace. In Theology, grace is considered freely given love and favour from God, it is also unearned. This means that no amount of works (constant doing) is going to achieve grace/forgiveness, there is no checklist you are required to perform. Key word- PERFORM. Isn't this rich, the theme of my life....

So now at this point, I am feeling a bit of relief. Again that small voice that nudged me to read, reread and explore said "build a house on a rock". Then, I had a profound realization that building a house is not an instant achievement. It goes up piece by piece, sometimes mistakes are made and some gets taken down, then it's exterior goes up. The last changes happen in a house INSIDE. The walls get painted, furniture goes in, it soon becomes a home. Building a house can be slow, it requires a foundation that is sturdy and level, unwavering in order to preserve the house through storms and weather. Much like who we are, we need a solid foundation on a rock, in this case, that rock is the teachings of the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus said the words out loud, made it very clear how to build a foundation on rock versus sand. (Matthew 7: 24-27). The building of grace starts with repentance, or in laments terms, contrition/acknowledgement of your wrong doings.

Again, more relief. The layers of perfectionism are shedding, the ability to accept help in my life is increasing and the joy I am feeling more often than ever are just the beginning. This journey hasn't been easy into faith I will admit. I've had to take some long, nasty looks at myself and my habits and revaluate what it is that needs to change in order to live a life of purpose. I truly believe God is good, and that we were given freewill to make decisions that can be good or evil. People, myself included, are all capable of evil works but there is a way through life that leads to grace. For me, I had to hit rock bottom and face a decision of live on or just end it. I chose something I had never given credit to or even thought was a viable option, I chose to seek Jesus and learn about his life. It's been a guiding light for me of renewal, a death of sorts to the old habits that were holding me back. I say this again, it hasn't been easy but the truth I've been faced with has been something even years of therapy couldn't achieve. I'd be lying to you if I didn't say this journey hasn't been painful. I've spent many evenings and times at church a sheer mess of tears and remorse, purging what I was hanging on to as part of my identity. 

The grace to see one's life as if building a house has been a relief for me. Brick by brick I can add anew, my blueprint is in my hands and I cannot fail now. I know the work is hard, but the reward is the greatest part. Every answer to your problems is in the Bible. My self experiments have been teaching me this out of a very raw, human approach. I'm not religious, nor do I think man/woman should use religion to rule over others but I do believe that the Bible, when it says the way is narrow that leads to life, it means that our application of the beautiful and loving teachings of Jesus are the way to your purpose. The journey is so individual, rooted in the same teachings. There's something relieving to know that while we are all experiencing our lives differently, when our aim is in the same direction, anything can be accomplished. When we apply the written word, and truly understand the meaning behind what Jesus said on the Mount, it's life changing. There is only love there, and forgiveness may be one of the biggest hurdles standing in the way. 

Hope you enjoyed one of my many revelations. Happy to answer any questions you have and I encourage you to read the Sermon on the Mount for yourselves, Matthew 5 though 7. 

Photo: Lake Louise, AB, I took this August 2, 2023 at 6:31AM.