The older I got, the more isolated I started to feel. I remember once saying to my therapist "I walk on a busy trail near Guelph Lake and say "Hi" to everyone I pass. I deliberately look at their face, take note of their eyes and say hello. Lately, I can pass ten people and only two say "Hello" back to me. How does one not even acknowledge another persons existence?" Her response shook me when she said that what I am seeing is a breakdown of a community, where people are disconnected from each other. She agreed with me that what I am seeing is in fact a real issue, experienced by everyone she comes into contact with.
We dove deep into how relationships have broken down, where instant gratification plays a role in communication and how people have fallen into a "main character" type persona. In a way, people have forgotten how to interact with one another thanks to the abuse of social media (as one of the many factors). Simple things like a hello, or eye contact during a conversation are fleeting things. Where eye contact is avoided, the brain kicks in to a survival state of panic and all-consuming thoughts of "what does this person want from me" or false beliefs like "I am not good at talking". There is an endless list here of things we tell ourselves if we are one of those people not returning a simple "hello".
Assumptions are the next step (really, these are just excuses). Maybe that person is having a bad day, maybe they're afraid, maybe they don't speak the language, maybe they had headphones that I didn't see, etc. I tried to come up with a list of passable excuses but still, none of these made sense to me. It's dehumanizing to not acknowledge another person sharing the same trail as you. Even a simple head nod would have sufficed. Insert my battle with anger here at how silly this whole thing is and thoughts of what is really at the root of the issue. Nothing justified the behaviour to me and knowing others feel the same way didn't make me feel better.
I've reflected for months on this experience and came to the conclusion that it is lack of community. True community. A community where each person has their own role to play for the greater benefit of the entire collective. We've somehow lost the ability to feel deeply part of something, to strive for purpose as a whole. I am not talking about picking a societal topic, choosing a side and arguing about it online either. I am also not talking about what flag you want to wave and what flavour of the month you choose to support. On the surface, societal norms have told us to conform to all be the same; the same image, the same role, the same performance, the same beliefs, but for what purpose? We've forgotten that each person has a role to play in their community, some roles are larger than others, some more complex, but ultimately each role is different with few being the same. Much like who we are, we all vary to some degree so why are we all trying to be and do the same thing? Great, another question to wrestle with.
All this to say, I've sensed a longing for community. A longing for deeper connections with people and deeper friendships. I've felt that there is such a loss of connection to the people around us and awareness to one another's needs. We've been so focused on our own survival and needs that we've turned the cheek to those around us. It's the constant nattering of language politics, treading lightly on the "don't offend someone" track or the juxtaposition of who we show up as on the outside versus what we believe on the inside. It's like we've all pushed down how we're feeling to avoid ruffling feathers and man, is that ever a heavy burden to carry. There is a desire for connection here with a larger desire at the root.
It's really a desire for healing. I heard a statement on a podcast called 'Living Waters' and it said this: "We have a generation of people that doesn't know where to turn". That one line connected with me so deeply and brought me to an epiphany about my own desires. Who do I turn to for guidance?
The usual answer is friendships or parents or a grandparent, or even a therapist. I am not saying I don't have friends, or a parent (in my case, dad). I am stating that when you feel that your problems far outweigh the wisdom of those around you, when they feel so heavy, or shameful or terrifying, who do you turn to for help?
My journey into a state of perpetual loneliness, surrounded by people is what drove me into deeper questions about the true meaning of connection and community. How wild is that? Feeling lonely while surrounded by people. I tried to fix this feeling through yoga, breathe work, therapy, group fitness classes, belonging to sports clubs and hobby clubs, hanging out with friends more, journaling, self help books, learning new skills like knitting and changing careers. Nothing worked to create the feeling of belonging, it only uncovered the truth that there is a massive hole in my heart that nothing could fill, until I tried one thing I swore to never, ever do. I went to church.
Ew, I know, some will revolt at the idea. It was a crazy first day and one that was life changing. I will write about my first day at church on another post but for now, hear me out. I met a community of people all feeling the exact same way as me. Every single one of these people was just as broken at some point, and was longing for connection. What I realized on my first day at church was four things:
- Everyone is suffering and trying to feel better, to heal.
- There is an abundance of wisdom and guidance in the Bible that is still applicable today
- Christianity is a relationship, not a religion
- Jesus doesn't offer a technique for healing, he offers himself.
Everyone is suffering. That was comfort. The Bible became a personal handbook of how to do life the only way. The church is just one place, a journey into your faith happens everywhere. Now, Jesus, there's already a book written about Him, I will just share with you my life before Him and with Him, there is no after Him for me.
I've been wrestling with my old self and letting go what I once knew to be true. Through this journey (that is just in it's infancy) I've been rooted in something so deep that I finally have peace in my heart, my mind and my soul. Serving in a community, for a community. Slowly, I am unlearning what I thought about Christians, church, religion, suffering, belonging and life's purpose. Slowly, I've been accepting that I was so wrong about everything I knew to be true and it all started with a longing for connection. The vice of loneliness started to unravel when I started serving in the community through food deliveries, participating in events, small group studies and supporting clothing drives ( to name a few). Serving has been the start to healing for me, and it will be a long journey ahead but I do this side by side with others who's aim is upward, not inward and that's the difference.
Note: My posts will be short and long and in between. This journey for me has been painful, sad, frustrating, embarrassing and truly, all the feels. This whole Jesus thing is wild, and I will do my darn best to talk about these crazy miracles in my life since accepting the truth, the struggles I've had with attending a church and being a new Christian. I will also ramble about art and my projects. I challenge you to see past your instant ick about Jesus talk and church and faith. I challenge you to keep an open mind, because you are worthy.
Photo: August 2, 2023 with my dog Lola (who is now with my former partner). Taken in Lake Louise, Alberta, Canada. On this day, I started to feel different, like I didn't belong anywhere though I was in one of the most beautiful places on earth. I felt at peace here, in nature.
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