This will sting.
We are cowards. Myself included.
I was struck with this idea of cowardice when faced with my newfound faith and new behaviours. I look back on who I was in November of 2024 to who I am today and I am a tad shocked at the difference. What felt like tiny 1% changes, has turned into an unrecognizable behaviour to the "old Lucie". This feeling of uncertainty comes up when I am talking to old friends and people who knew me "before" and "after". It's this sensation of anxiety and concern over what they must think of me, like a fear of man. How often I've been told by people "you've changed".
That's how I view myself now; before and after Christ. I struggle still with my own beliefs of what others must think of me and the changes I've taken part in. Am I crazy? Did I drink some Kool-Aid? Did I have a mental breakdown? All sorts of these questions float in my head and I've come to realize that any time I've gone after a goal, whether fitness related, business orientated or personal life goals, doubt wrestles in my mind with the belief that I can achieve a goal.So much of what I achieved early on was for the approval of others, like my self worth depended on it. This approval issue is something I still work through, albeit a little less now. It's a lot like this for me when I speak to people I've known for years and suddenly I find myself referring to a bible verse or reference a sermon where I learned a new approach to life in--I know it's beneficial to share, but fear strikes and the bubble guts start, doubt creeps in.
How crazy is it that I can torment myself with doubts and anxiety when I know the truth to my core? This is all wrapped up in the fear of man, fear of judgement that I no longer have to carry, but slowly I shed it. It's earthly things that are keeping us from truly experiencing life here to the fullest. How cowardly are we that fear speaking the truth about life with Christ to others?
This thought punched me. Hit through me into the depths of my soul and shook me to the point of tears. How is it that I should be ashamed to speak about love and guidance to others? How is speaking the truth about life to others wrong? Why hide my voice and experiences when I know that it can help someone? Wow, that's a lot of questions I wrestle with. Especially in a time of great uncertainty and confusion, having the answers in Christ is offensive to a majority who would rather have you conform to their views than learn about yours. (I will save a rant here).
If you knew where joy was stored, wouldn't you share it with everyone you knew? If you knew how to ease anxieties and quiet your mind, wouldn't you share the gift? If you were a lamp in the darkest of rooms, wouldn't you want to be ignited to help others see? I've got plenty more of these in my back pocket but what I am hoping here is that you get the point I am trying to make--there are answers to your questions by observing the life of Jesus Christ and how he treated others, and how he was persecuted, for what he was persecuted for.
I am no where near perfect in my faith. I am still a skeptic in my own strengths while figuring out my purpose with Christ. What I am most certainly not is a skeptic about who and what God is and what a venture into faith can do for your life. Not just for you, but for the people around you. All of this to say, that I am challenging myself to be more direct and unafraid. This is still the early stages of a rock solid foundation in faith and it started long before I even came to Christ. It started in my early days through suffering in relationships and experiences and making it out alive with a smile on my face. My faith started with a glimmer of hope that guided me through the worst of times and the worst of people. It was this hope that picked up the pieces of me left after a lifetime of pouring into people and places. It was hope that lead me to finally give the rest of what was left of me to Christ.
Slowly, I am being rebuilt.
Photo: Taken November 1, 2024. I hadn't stepped foot into a church yet, didn't know I was about to consider it either. This was at my workplace where I know for a fact God had a hand in putting me here. I wouldn't be where I am without this place and the person who operates it I credit with being an angel on earth.
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