I had a dream last night where I was a waitress in a revamped restaurant that was used as a building for the mafia (buckle up baby, this is about to get wild). The restaurant owner was giving me a tour and pointed to a wall that he had painted over and said "this here wall was used by the men who owned it before, it's been around the same time you have". In my dream, the wall had a brick with a date of 1842 stamped in. Historically, the cornerstone or some stone on a wall of a building would have an engraving of when the building was completed. I got the sense that I was ancient and old, still alive and that I was also being warned (hence the mention of mafia).
As the dream progressed, I was tasked to take orders for people around a wooden table, they all looked like old mob gangsters and each person gave a list of items to order from this restaurant, all with changes to the items. I was told by the owner that customers were not to make changes to the dishes, the dish is made as is to respect the creator. Here I was, with a table full of these guests wanting alterations to the meals and a knowledge that I shouldn't be allowing this. I recall in the dream feeling so anxious, stressed as to how I was going to tell them no and torn with this thought: I can tell the customers no, and they MIGHT be upset with me or, I can make them happy and keep with the changes, but my boss WILL be upset with me. A predicament, please the customers and do wrong to my boss, or please my boss and do what I perceived as wrong to the customers.
I woke up with what felt like a brick to the head. I get a lot of dreams and have always written them down or remembered them in complete detail. I've been this way since a young age and now, my dreams are more pronounced than ever before. It's a wild ride for me but I've learned to pay close attention to them because they always tell me something or solve a problem I have been wrestling with. It's God's way of speaking to me is what I'm guessing?
This dream is a lot like faith in today's world. When I ventured into Christianity, I was faced with a lot of truths about life and truth about where focus lies for people. I was also challenged in my own beliefs through my own experiences. I wrestled with certain concepts and the one that comes up for me a lot is this: doing the right thing, even when it will not win you favour with people around you. This concept is so hard for me to put into action because I am a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy even if it's at my own expense (which often leads to the expense of who I'm responsible to). What I've come to realize is that when I put my faith first, and walk in line with what is in the written word, I do not fall short with the people around me. Often times, my FEAR and ANXIOUSNESS about what could happen, never materializes. I've come to realize that my people pleasing actions are really just fear and anxiety. I've created scenarios that haven't happened and have allowed those thoughts to drive my behaviours rather than just doing the right thing immediately.
I'll give you an example of this when it comes to my work. This happens a lot in art for me with commissions. I feel anxious giving a price (I charge $0.75-$1.00/ square inch for commissions). I know based off of the size of a painting, the time it takes me and the material costs, how much to charge because of the calculation I've created as a standard for all canvas works. Seeing the dollar value beside my work almost makes me sick to the stomach- so often, I short change myself to avoid getting a customer complaint, or losing the project all together. Why do I feel bad? I used to want validation from people that I am worth that amount in exchange for my gift of creativity. (The validation should come from myself within, but I've put it on others to fulfill-not good!). I see other artists charging amounts that are insane to me (like $3000.00 for black paint splattered on a white canvas) and it makes me feel defeated because I could never have the heart to ask such an amount, I feel guilt and shame to do that. Why? I feel like my creativity comes easily, and I produce art quickly (if you've ever seen my timelapses, you know I work fast). Again, the time equals value statement comes up for me here, and speaks to my own value.
In my dream above, and in relation to an example of the predicaments I find myself in, I've come to realize that my battle is with my own flesh, my own thoughts. The truth is, that I've been creating since I could walk and it's taken me an entire lifetime to be able to create the way I do. The truth is that it has taken me a lifetime of failures, failed creations, mistakes, doubts and triumphs to be able to do what I do now. The lie I told myself is that my lifetime of experience is not worth the cost .The lie I told myself about my own value was revealed to me in a dream and I've come to the conclusion that my challenges line up with teachings in the bible, that Christ debunked what I am grappling with. Every time I go against what I know to be true, I end up with more problems, challenges and headaches. The value I allowed myself to receive was never worth the challenge of that project, person or thing. Much like the written word, when I don't align my actions with it, I always fall short, time and time again.
Luke 12:22-34 goes over being anxious, as does Matthew 6:25-34. Most importantly for me, Matthew 6:19-24 talks about storing treasures on earth versus heaven. These stories have such a deeper meaning about faith and who we serve. Our focus should be doing the right thing (God's guidance), not doing what we think makes us look good in other peoples' eyes.
What a wild dream and quest to uncover. In one night, the man upstairs solved a lifetime of anxiousness for me and revealed to me how he operates. When we aim upward, albeit challenging, we always succeed. We fall short often but He doesn't give up on us. Staying fixed on His path for us, paying attention to our own behaviours and how they line up to His written word, all of this, is the antidote for living fulfilled, with purpose. A life of unexplainable peace, love and confidence.
Love ya'll. Happy to hear your comments and questions!
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